The Love Bug

Story Editor: Duane Capizzi
Written by: Kevin Campbell
© Disney 1994

Transcript by Calluna

 

(Setting: Aladdin's hovel at dawn. Everyone is still asleep.) (Suddenly, water starts dripping on Abu; it's a tiny raincloud. Once Abu is awake, the cloud moves on to Iago.) Iago: Hey! (The cloud floats over to Aladdin and rains on him.) Aladdin: What? A cloud? Genie: (appears, holding an umbrella) Hey, how 'bout this weather, huh? Abu: Look! Look! Aladdin: I don't get it. What's a raincloud doing in my hovel? Iago: Isn't it obvious? It's the old Iago charm back to haunt me. Aladdin: Iago charm? Iago: Yep. I bat my baby blues, and wham! Instant love. Genie: Wait, you're dating a cloud? Iago: Not the cloud, doofus! The rainbird! Thundra the rainbird is in love with me. Aladdin: I suppose she could have sent this guy here. Hey, I think this is urgent. Iago: Of course it is. The poor rainbird can't live without her little giblet. That's why she sent this envoy of love to retrieve me. (The cloud zaps Iago with a tiny bolt of lightning.) Aladdin: Maybe Thundra's in trouble. Genie? Genie: (sticking his head in the cloud) Speak to me, ye of vapor and— (The cloud electrocutes Genie.) Aladdin: Well? Genie: Trouble. (Setting: the Valley of Thundra. Aladdin and his friends are flying over the rainforest on Carpet.) Aladdin: I wonder what kind of trouble Thundra's having. Iago: Trouble living without her little giblet. Ya know, chick trouble. (They fly over a section of the forest that is clear cut.) Abu: Oh no! Genie: Um, didn't there used to be a rainforest here? Iago: Eh, chopping down her own trees to make it look like foul play. Gal's desperate to see me, I tell ya. (Thundra flies towards them.) Thundra: Oh, mi amigos! I'm so glad to see you! Iago: There she is! How do I look?! Uh, I mean, love has no shame. She'll be all over me like piranhas on meat. Thundra: Follow me below. (Thundra flies down toward the ground; Carpet follows.) Abu: Well? Iago: Uh, all part of the charade. (They land in the clearing.) Thundra: My forest is disappearing! I'm powerless to stop it! Genie: These trees aren't just pretty, they supply the majority of the world's oxygen. Aladdin: Genie, what do we do? (A phone appears in front of Aladdin. He picks it up.) Genie: (on the phone) You've reached Genie phone. If you know the name of the crisis you would like to address, press one. Enter now. Aladdin: Um, disappearing trees. (presses one) Genie: Please hold. (The phone disappears, and Genie appears in the form of a farmer holding a sack.) Genie: New, improved, magic beans. (takes some beans out of the sack) Guaranteed to grow into trees faster than overnight. Comes with a special Genie hologram trading card. All for the low price of one cow. Aladdin: Beans grow trees? Abu: I don't know. Genie: Beans, seeds, Cadillacs. They're magic, Jack. Observe. I flick a bean into the air and where it lands a tree grows there. (Genie throws a bean on the ground next to Thundra. Iago walks over and stands on top of it, flirting with Thundra. Suddenly a tree grows out of the ground underneath him, throwing him high up into the air.) Thundra: ¡Bueno! Genie, ha ha ha! You're muy splendifico! Genie: (bashful) Oh, gosh. Tacos al carbon to you, too! Iago: Look at that. Trying to make me jealous. Abu: Oh, brother. Aladdin: Great, let's start seeding. But be on your guard. We may run into whatever destroyed those trees in the first place. (A little while later, Aladdin, Genie, and Abu fly over the cleared part of the rainforest dropping beans, which instantly grow into full-size trees.) Genie: Psst, Al, check out the love birds! (giggles) (Thundra and Iago are flying behind them, also dropping beans.) Iago: So, uh, how's the weather? Thundra: Iago, I'm busy right now. Iago: Of course. I understand I can be a little distracting, no? Thundra: We need more beans! (dives) Iago: Clever little minx. Well, she can't hide her feelings forever. (dives after Thundra) (Abu points at something.) Aladdin: Huh? Abu, what? Oh no… (Some kind of swarm devours all the trees they've just planted.) Genie: Cheap beans! Aladdin: Come on, we're checking it out! (Carpet flies over to the disappearing trees.) Genie: (as Sherlock Holmes) Watson, I've discerned the problem. It's termites! (Genie holds up a magnifying glass so the others can see the termites.) Genie: (as a naturalist) Termites: any of numerous highly destructive social insects of the order Isotera that usually feed on wood. Aladdin: Yeah, but they're eating the entire forest. And fast. Genie: Hungry, hungry termites require… (shrinks them down to an inch or so high) a closer, closer look. Now which way did they go? (Abu points at something frantically.) Aladdin: Genie! (The termites are headed towards them; this close up we can see that they are not real termites, but tiny machines.) Genie: Hey! Those aren't real termites! (opens one up to look at the gears) They're mechanical! See all the little gears and cogs and— (gets caught in the gears and pulled inside the termite) Aladdin: Genie! Genie: Ow! Oh! Ooh, this is completely unpleasant! Ouch! Oh, ow, ooh! Aladdin: It's one of Mechanikles's inventions! (Setting: above the rainforest. Thundra and Iago land in a tree.) Thundra: Now where did Aladdin and Genie go? They were there, then, poof! Nothing. Iago: Thundra, give up the charade. It only makes us both look foolish! Thundra: Come again? Iago: Don't be coy it's time to be grown up about this. (Iago throws his bag of beans and tries to embrace Thundra. Where the bag fell, trees grow up around them.) Thundra: (angry) Iago! What's come over you?! Iago: Oh, you win, bambino. Your disappearing-forest ploy worked, okay? I'm here. Now press your beak to mine… Thundra: Is that what you think is going on? That I did this? To lure you here? Iago: (sheepish) You didn't say you didn't do it. Thundra: (growls) You're no parrot, Iago! You're a genuine, bona fide cuckoo bird! (flies away) Iago: It's another bird, isn't it? (Setting: on the ground. Aladdin and the others are still being attacked by the mechanical termites.) Aladdin: (jumps on Carpet) Go, Carpet! Go! (A termite grabs onto Carpet with its jaws, throwing Aladdin and Abu off.) Aladdin: I hate being small. (Abu pries the termite's jaws open, freeing Carpet, but then he can't get out. Carpet holds its jaws open with a rock, and Abu climbs out.) (Meanwhile, another termite is advancing on Aladdin, until it suddenly explodes, and Genie flies out.) Genie: (growing back to normal size) I figured it out, Al! The secret to fighting termites is to remain big! (Genie hits his head on a tree branch as he grows, knocking himself out.) (Aladdin, holding a stick, charges at a termite and flips it over. The termite rights itself and comes after Aladdin. Aladdin hits it with the stick, but it's not damaged and then eats the stick.) Aladdin: Oh, right. Termite, wood! (Aladdin jumps away from the termite, which tries to chase him and crashes into the unconscious Genie. Genie wakes up and laughs.) Genie: That tickles! (gasps) Al! (Genie returns everyone to their normal size.) Thundra: (flying towards them) There you are! What happened? Genie: (turns his mouth into a mechanical termite's jaws) Termites! Thundra: I don't understand. Aladdin: Mechanical termites are destroying your forest. It's the work of Mechanikles! Thundra: Mechanikles? What is this Mechanikles? (Setting: Mechanikles's hideout, which is hidden in the jungle at the top of a waterfall.) Mechanikles: Soon I, Mechanikles, the greatest of the great Greek geniuses, shall be victorious! Already my termite army has decimated over half of the rainforest. By daybreak, all the rainforests will be gone! Those disgusting breeding grounds for mold and mud and insects… (looks at Scooter, who is hovering next to him) …real ones. Of course, with the rainforest gone, all life on the planet will follow! Eh, who cares. People are pigs. The planet will be clean, Scooter, clean! (laughs) (Setting: elsewhere in the rainforest. The termites are still destroying all the trees.) Thundra: (to a cloud) Stop them, mi amigos! (The clouds shoot lightning at a small group of the termites, destroying them.) Thundra: ¡Arriba! (Many, many more termites are still destroying the trees.) Thundra: Carrumba. (Aladdin and Abu try to beat the termites back with tree branches, but it doesn't work, and the termites eat the branches.) Aladdin: It's no use. There's too many. Genie: (thinking) Hmm, mechanical… metal metal metal… I've got it! (turns his hands into magnets) This should attract their attention! (termites are attracted to his hands) Aha! (they chew off his hands) Whoa ho! They eat anything! (grows new hands) (Iago is watching all this from a distance.) Genie: (holding a bunch of pamphlets) Quick, these pamphlets will educate the termites about the ecological effects… (the termites eat the pamphlets) …of destroying the rainforest. Aladdin: Mechanikles has really outdone himself this time. Iago: Mechanikles? So the forest really is being destroyed? Hey, I could impress Thundra. I'll capture the scrawny Greek! No, he's scrawny, but he's bigger than me. Girls love a good scout! I'll locate his hideout and lead the others to him. Yeah. Aladdin: We have to locate Mechanikles's hideout. Come on! (Aladdin and the others fly away on Carpet.) Iago: D'oh! It'll take a lot of luck to find Mechanikles before Al does. (Scooter flies over Iago's head.) Iago: I'm a lucky bird. (Later that day, Iago has followed Scooter back to Mechanikles's hideout.) Iago: Sheesh, maybe this thing could fly a little faster. Whew! Now what? (An umbrella comes out of Scooter's back. He flies underneath the waterfall.) Iago: Hideout behind the waterfall, hello! (flies after him) Mechanikles: Scooter, what do you think you're doing? Look! No, the other side. Your left! Your other left! (Mechanikles puts on a rubber glove and picks up Iago, who was hiding behind a pillar.) Mechanikles: This! How dare you bring a tick-infested, disease-ridden jungle squawker into the lab? Iago: I am not tick-infested! Mechanikles: Hmm, you look familiar… You're that loudmouthed parrot from Agrabah! Iago: (in a fake parrot-y voice) Awk! It wasn't me! I've never been there! What's an Agrabah? Awk! Mechanikles: Yes, yes! You're Aladdin's loudmouthed parrot! Yo-Yo, isn't it? Iago: Uh, no, no, I'm, uh… Ramón! A common jungle parrot! Awk! Mechanikles: Where Yo-Yo is, Aladdin can't be far behind. (traps Iago in a vise-like contraption attached to his clothes iron) Come, Scooter. We must prepare for his inevitable heroic arrival. (leaves the room) Iago: How humiliating. What if Thundra sees me like this? I gotta get out of here. (struggles) (Aladdin and his friends and Thundra have all entered the hideout.) Aladdin: All right, Mechanikles! Genie: We know you're in there! Thundra: And we're going to kick your tree-killing caboose! Abu: Uh huh! Iago: Oh, wonderful. (Mechanikles throws a switch, and a cage drops down over them.) Genie: (turns into a welder) Fear not. I'll have us out of here faster than you can say, "Hey everybody! Look! Why, it's a genie with a blowtorch." Whoa! (A vacuum sucks Genie out of the cage and into a tiny bottle.) Genie: Hmm, should have picked a shorter phrase. Mechanikles: I knew you were coming… so I baked a cake. (Walks into the room carrying a cake-shaped toolbox.) Mechanikles: (points at Thundra) Another jungle squawker! Foolish Aladdin. It's not very hygiene-friendly to travel with such tick-ridden companions. (Thundra grabs Mechanikles's nose.) Mechanikles: Let go! Thundra: This is a Mechanikles? Mechanikles: The greatest of the Greek geniuses. Thundra: El greco, soon you will wish you had left my forest a long time ago. (lets him go) Mechanikles: Scooter! Get the disinfectant! The iodine! The squawker touched me! It touched me! Aladdin: I wonder how he knew to expect us. (Genie knocks on the side of his bottle, then points to Iago.) Thundra: Iago! Iago: Uh, me? No, no! Awk! I am Ramón! A common jungle parrot! Awk! (Scooter cleans Mechanikles's nose with a Q-Tip.) Mechanikles: Ooh, thank you! Scooter, fetch the termites. Soon, squawker, you will wish you had left the forest a long time ago. (Setting: Later, in the forest just outside the hideout. The heroes are all tied up, and Mechanikles is standing next to them with a large group of termites.) Mechanikles: Behold, the strength of my entire termite army! I considered having them feast on the forest before your very eyes, but then I had a better idea. You shall be the appetizer! (laughs) Bon apetit! Watch, Scooter, and remember always your enemies' shrieks of pain. Iago: Thundra, there's something I gotta tell you before all these termites chop us up into mini bite-size morsels! This isn't my fault. There's a traitor among us: the monkey! Thundra: Not now, Iago. (The termites crawl over all of them. Iago starts yelling. Thundra starts to laugh.) Mechanikles: Scooter, how they laugh with agony. Laugh? (The termites slide off of everyone except Iago. They have eaten off the ropes, but left them unharmed.) Genie: Yes, laugh! My patented formula of goose grease, elbow grease, athlete's grease and papaya puree! That was Thundra's contribution. Thundra: Ooh, gracias, gracias. Genie: Creates a coating so slippery that termites slip right off! Mechanikles: What? No! Thundra: We have marinated every tree from the tipy-top leaves to the lowest roots. Aladdin: And we coated ourselves before we discovered your hideout! Mechanikles: (pulling his hair) No! (Iago is still screaming. Abu frees Genie from the bottle.) Genie: Oops, except Iago. Iago: Get them off me! (Genie coats Iago with grease and the termites fall off of him, but they've already eaten the feathers off of the lower half of his body.) Genie: Mechanical termites on a rampage! Ha ha ha! You can't buy a closer shave. Iago: Thundra's looking! Go! Go! (Genie zaps Iago and gives him his feathers back.) (Mechanikles watches as the termites try to eat the trees, but slide off before they can damage them.) Mechanikles: It's true! They foiled my entire scheme! (turns around, and his nose runs into Thundra's beak) Thundra: Buenos días, señor creep! Mechanikles: No! Away from my nose, or I'll… I'll… Thundra: You'll what? You're out of options, Mr. loco scientifico! Mechanikles: That's what you think, señorita colorful bird woman! (blows a whistle) Come to me, my mechanical minions! Abu: What's he doing? Aladdin: I don't know. (The termites climb over Mechanikles's body and form into an insect-shaped suit of armor.) Iago: What's that? Mechanikles: I am Everybug! (Iago tries to run away, but Mechanikles jumps and stomps on him.) Mechanikles: I leap, like the [unintelligible] of Lithuania! (Genie turns into a knight with a giant axe and climbs onto Carpet.) Genie: Attack now, my woven steed! Thundra: No, you'll hit the trees! Genie: Oh, right. (Genie makes his axe smaller, then flies at Mechanikles and chops off his suit's mechanical arms.) Genie: Away, my blade! It tastes of bug! Aladdin: Come on, let's get 'im! (Aladdin charges at Mechanikles, who is growing the mechanical arms back.) Mechanikles: My limbs regenerate, like the regenerating roach of Rwanda! I've got the best of every bug, but without the muss and grime. (laughs and snaps at Aladdin with his mechanical claws) (Mechanikles back Aladdin up to the edge of the waterfall, then Aladdin dodges and runs away. Mechanikles is then zapped by lightning from Thundra's clouds.) Thundra: Keep your forward-extending pincher arms to yourself, cucaracha! (Mechanikles's armor grows wings and flaps them at Thundra, blowing away the clouds.) Mechanikles: Fine. I'll flap like the airborne aphid of Afghanistan! Thundra: Carrumba. (Mechanikles reaches into the air and grabs Thundra.) Mechanikles: You remind me of a common wood tick. You really get under my skin. And you're about to lose your head. Iago: Thundra! Genie: All right. Enough is enough! (creates a giant mallet) Iago: No! You'll hit Thundra! Where's those magic beans? (Genie hands Iago a bean.) (Mechanikles tries to chop Thundra's head off with his claws, but she keeps squirming out of his way. Iago yells and flies into Mechanikles's face. He drops Thundra.) Mechanikles: Aaah! Squawker in the face! Squawker in the face! Iago: Threaten my sweetie, will ya?! (Mechanikles grabs him) Oh! Mechanikles: Well, Yo-Yo, does pretty Polly want a cracker? Thundra: Oh! My little giblet! Iago: Good, she's watching. Mechanikles! You really bug me. (Iago throws the bean on the ground at Mechanikles's feet.) Mechanikles: Wha—? (The bean grows into a tree, catapulting Mechanikles and Iago into the air and then over the waterfall. A second later, Mechanikles climbs out of the water.) Mechanikles: Now, I will tunnel through your ears like the brain-biting boll weevil of Babylon! (Mechanikles's armor completely rusts over.) Mechanikles: What? I can't move! Rusted every bug! (The armor cracks down the middle, and Mechanikles climbs out. His clothes are covered with rust.) Mechanikles: Do you know how hard it is to get rust stains out of silk? Very, very hard. Scooter! (Scooter flies up to him, Mechanikles jumps on, and they fly away.) (The others run towards the water.) Aladdin: Iago! Thundra: Giblet! (Iago climbs out of the water.) Mechanikles: (flying away) You'll pay! You'll pay! With interest! Iago: Jerk. (passes out) (Setting: the rainforest, later. Genie sews the ground with magic beans, and the clouds follow after him, watering them. Soon the whole rainforest is replanted.) Thundra: Oh, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, giblet. When my forest is threatened I can be a pretty cuckoo bird myself. Ooh, but I'm really cuckoo for you. Iago: Ha, is that what you think was going on? That I was risking my life for a little kissy-face. I hate to burst your bubble, sister, but I'm not the romantic type. Thundra: Good, then I don't feel bad telling you… there's another bird. Iago: WHAT?! Tell me it isn't so! Who is it, huh? I'll whip him good! Making time with my bird! (Thundra give Iago a big kiss.) Thundra: His name is Ramón, the common jungle parrot. (Iago faints and falls off the tree branch.) THE END