I Never Mechanism I Didn't Like

Story Editor: Douglas Langdale
Written by: Bill Motz and Bob Roth
© Disney 1994

Transcript by Calluna

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	(Setting: Agrabah. Aladdin, Genie, Iago, and Abu are flying over the city on carpet. There is rubble in the streets and smoke is rising from several buildings. People are screaming and running through the streets.) Aladdin: (pointing) Over there!
	(There's a giant mechanical scorpion about to smash a fruit stall. A vendor is standing in front of the stall, trying to protect it, but he dives out of the way just in time to avoid being smashed as well. Another scorpion is on the roof of a nearby tower. It opens its mouth and fire comes out, barely missing Aladdin and the others. They fly toward it.) Aladdin: Watch out for the tail!
	(They barely avoid the scorpion's tail, then fly away.) Aladdin: He must be around here somewhere, Genie. Can you find him? Genie: (turns into a dog, and sniffs the air, then back to normal) Arf, arf. (points) (They fly in the direction Genie pointed, where there are several mechanical scorpions demolishing buildings.) Aladdin: There he is! (Mechanikles is riding the largest scorpion, controlling it from a cockpit built into its back.) Mechanikles: (laughs) Bow before the might of Mechanikles, greatest of the great Greek geniuses! (notices Aladdin, then looks at his sundial watch) Hmm, 3:24. Aladdin and meddlesome friends attack right on schedule. (makes a note on a scroll) (Mechanikles pulls some levers and a net shoots out of the scorpion's mouth toward the magic carpet. They manage to avoid it.) Mechanikles: That always worked before. No fair dodging!
	(Carpet dives toward the scorpion and everyone jumps onto its back. Genie pulls Mechanikles out of the cockpit and throws him to Carpet, who holds him.) Aladdin: (fiddling with the levers) How does this work? Mechanikles: Give it up! My scorpions will continue till Agrabah falls! Iago: Gee, that's really gonna bring down property values. Genie: That's not our worst problem! (The other scorpions are closing in on them.) Genie: I think they want their Papa. Aladdin: I've got an idea!
	Genie: Me too! I'll ram this baby right down their mechanical throats! (pulls a lever, and the scorpion starts walking backwards) Oops! Wrong lever. Maybe this one! (the scorpion's tail swings at them, almost hitting them) Aladdin: (angrily) Genie! You—
	Genie: Hold on, Al! I've got it this time! (pulls a third lever, and two mechanical hands come out of the dashboard, lather Genie's face with shaving cream, then shave him) Mechanikles: (laughs) You are doomed, you unhygienic, tiny-brained, putrid little nincompoops! Genie: Who are you calling "little"? I'll teach him a thing or three! Aladdin: Genie! Please listen to me! I— Genie: I've got it! I'll spray some oil! That'll slip 'em up. (starts to spray oil all over the ground) Aladdin: No! Iago: Bad idea! Aladdin: No, Genie! Not oil!
	(The scorpions slip on the oil and fall over.) Genie: Why not, Al? It worked! (One of the scorpions shoots fire at the oil, which starts to burn.) Genie: Let me guess: that's what you were worried about. Right? Aladdin: (annoyed) Yes. Now are you ready to listen? Now, look… (whispers something to Genie) (Genie gives a thumbs-up and flies away.) Mechanikles: (laughs) Do your worst! No one can defeat Mechanikles, greatest of the— (It starts to rain. Mechanikles looks up and sees Genie has turned into a raincloud.)
	Mechanikles: Right, almost no one. (The rain puts out the fires and causes the scorpions to stop moving.) Aladdin: Yeah! Abu: All right! Iago: It's about time! Aladdin: Your little invasion didn't go quite according to plan, did it? Mechanikles: Not according to plan A, no… (a giant mechanical bee swoops down and carries him away) But there's always plan B! (checks watch) 3:35, right on time. We'll finish this another day, boy! (looking at his clothes) Doesn't he realize what water does to silk? Aladdin: Genie… Genie: I know, Al. I ruined everything. I'm a fool. An incompetent, blundering fool! I'll always listen to you from now on! I'll do whatever you say! Just forgive me! Aladdin: Uh, just be a little more careful from now on, okay?
	Genie: I swear, next time before I do something stupid I'll make sure it's something stupid we can all agree on! Iago: Nice reasoning. Ever consider a career in politics? (Setting: Mechanikles's hideout.) Mechanikles: (sets down a box full of gears) Look at this mess! All my work reduced to rubble! Well, it's not like my creations grow on trees. (picks up a small mechanical wasp) They take months of meticulous planning. Each component is engineered with precision and fastidiously handcrafted, (pets the wasp) isn't that right, Scooter? Then it's test, test, and retest, (winds the wasp up with a key) until I have left no margin for error! (The wasp starts to fly, then crashes into the ground repeatedly until it's smashed to bits.) Mechanikles: (annoyed) …until I have left very, very nearly no margin for error. But the one variable I can never predict is Aladdin! Every time I attack anything that poofy-haired fool gets in the way. That's what I hate about fighting: someone always fights back! It would be so much easier if they would just cooperate. Say, that's it! Cooperate! Ooh, Mechanikles, you are a genius! And Mother wanted me to go into philosophy. (Setting: the throne room of the palace of Agrabah. Sultan is putting together what looks like a robot. He's finished, except for attaching the head.)
	Sultan: Yes yes yes yes, it's a gift from the ambassador of, uh… oh, somewhere or other. (puts the robot's head on upside-down) Now, If I can just get his head on straight. (Aladdin, Jasmine, Iago, Abu, and Carpet are watching him. Jasmine is trying not to laugh.) Iago: (quietly) Physician, heal thyself. (Aladdin turns the robot's head around the right way while Sultan looks for the key to wind it up.) Sultan: Now, this ought to… (winds up the robot) (The robot's head starts spinning and it comes to life.) Robot: Greetings, good people! My name is Gregarius, but you may call me Greg. Your humble servant. (bows to Sultan) Sultan: Oh, my! A mechanized servant! How remarkable! Aladdin: (whispering to Jasmine) Who did he say gave him this? Gregarius: Perhaps your highness would enjoy a cup of tea. (a door opens up in his chest, revealing a cup of tea, which he gives to Sultan) Sultan: How delightful! (Aladdin stops Sultan before he can drink the tea.) Aladdin: Wait, your majesty! I don't trust him!
	Gregarius: I am sorry you feel that way. I hope I have not offended you. (Gregarius's eyes turn into spinning spirals and he looks into Aladdin's eyes, hypnotizing him.) Aladdin: Not at all. My apologies, Gregarius. Gregarius: Oh, please. Call me Greg. (hypnotizes everyone else in the room) Aladdin: You know, I'm really glad you're here, Greg. Jasmine: Yes, you seem very intelligent. Iago: He's the smartest guy in Agrabah! Sultan: Why, he is! I'll make you an advisor, Gregarius. No, no, I'll make you vizier! Oh, no no no no no! I'll abdicate the throne! (puts his turban on Gregarius) Gregarius: Your majesty, those all sound like excellent suggestions. Please inform me when you arrive at a decision. (Carpet is watching the others, confused. The hypnotism obviously hasn't worked on him.)
	Aladdin: What a great moment for Agrabah! Oh, Genie'll want to see this! (rubs the lamp) Genie: (doing a newspaper crossword) Hey, what's a seven-letter word for a hit TV show starting with "A"? Aladdin: Genie, Gregarius. Genie: Hmm… that's a "G", Al. Aladdin: Gregarius, this is Genie. Genie: A tin man? (turns into Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz) Where's the scarecrow? Aladdin: (angry) Greg is our friend, Genie! Gregarius: Charmed. (tries to hypnotize Genie)
	Genie: Ever consider seeing an ophthalmologist? Gregarius: Now, if you will retire to the garden, I shall prepare lemonade. There we can discuss some suggestions I have for your palace. Jasmine: Oh, what a brilliant idea! Aladdin: I like it! Iago: (to Abu) Why didn't you think of that? (Abu hits Iago with his fez. Everyone but Genie and Carpet follows Gregarius out of the throne room.) Genie: Does something seem weird to you? Like there's something wrong with this Greg guy? (Carpet nods.) Genie: Thought so. Well I'll put a stop to it! (Genie flies out to the garden, where the others are still following Gregarius. Genie blocks their path.)
	Genie: Wait! There's something monstrously evil about Gregarius! Aladdin: No there isn't! Abu: Nuh uh! Jasmine: Not a thing. Iago: Oh, the genie's jealous! Genie: No, I—
	Aladdin: (angry) What's the problem, Genie? Jasmine: You don't like Greg? Iago: If you've got a problem with Greg… Sultan: …you've got a problem with us! (Genie shrinks until he is only a few inches high.) Aladdin: You do like Greg, don't you? Genie: Uh, whatever you say. Aladdin: Good.
	(The others step over the shrunk Genie and continue to follow Greg.) Iago: Try not to mess everything up this time, huh? Genie: (to Carpet) Eh, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. What's the worst that can happen?
	(Setting: the palace garden, a little while later. The fountain and parts of the palace have been changed into ugly, angular shapes, and the trees and bushes have been trimmed into similar shapes.) Genie: (to Carpet) Hey, who am I to say this is bad? Just because Gregarius is turning this into (suddenly angry) the ugliest place I've ever seen?! (calm again) I'm okay, I'm okay. Everyone else loves Gregarius. Even the guards love him, and they hate everybody. (Rasoul and Fazal are chipping away at a palace doorway, making it more angular.) Rasoul: I get to oil him today! Fazal: No no no, it's my turn! Mine mine mine! Genie: There's nothing wrong. It's just my imagination. Oh, I don't want to blow it again like I did with the oil! (Aladdin walks by carrying a mop and bucket.) Genie: Hey, Al! Wanna look for treasure? Wanna go to the Congo? Wanna fight some big monsters? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Huh? Aladdin: Maybe some other time. I told Gregarius I'd scrub the dungeon. Don't you just love what he's done with the palace? Such a nice, rigid sense of order! Genie: (rolling his eyes) Some sense of order. Aladdin: (angry) Are you saying you have a problem with Gregarius?
	Genie: Al, it's just that— Sultan: (enters the garden) Gregarius has had the most wonderful idea! We've all seen what a fine job he's done fixing up the palace. Well, he's sent for a friend who will help do the same for all of Agrabah!
	Jasmine: Oh, wonderful! Aladdin: It's about time! Abu: Hooray! Aladdin: Now you can't be down after that, can you, Genie? Genie: Uh, whatever you say.
	(The ground starts to shake.) Aladdin: What's that? (They all run to one of the palace gates and look out.) Aladdin: Oh no! (Mechanikles is approaching the palace with his army of mechanical scorpions.) Gregarius: Ah, my friend has arrived. Aladdin: It's Mechanikles! We've gotta stop him! Genie: Now you're talking! (creates a giant missile)
	Gregarius: (with hypnotic eyes) But Aladdin, Mechanikles is a dear friend. Aladdin: Well, uh… any friend of yours is a friend of ours! (The others nod in agreement.) Aladdin: No need for that, Genie. Genie: B-But but but but…? (They all glare at him.) Genie: Oh… (makes the missile disappear) Gregarius: Master Mechanikles, you will find everything in order. Mechanikles: Very good. Sultan: Ah, Mechanikles! Welcome to Agrabah! We are your humble servants. (Everyone hypnotized bows to Mechanikles.) Mechanikles: (checking a scroll) Right on schedule. Aladdin: Genie, Carpet! Kneel! Jasmine: You don't want to embarrass everybody, do you? Genie: (gulp) Whatever you say. (bows) (Carpet flies away.) Mechanikles: Excellent, Gregarius! Agrabah is ours! (laughs)
	(Setting: later, in the streets of Agrabah. Everyone is outside, scrubbing the buildings and streets clean.) Mechanikles: Hmm, the city has simply got to be redone, these streets are like an ant farm! Très disorganized. Aladdin: Absolutely! Jasmine: What an idea! Abu: Yeah! Iago: Oui oui! Genie: (disguised as a human, sighs) Everybody says everything is fine. Who am I to disagree? Gregarius: You see, Master Mechanikles? The citizens are working very hard to sanitize the city in your honor. (Mechanikles sees a woman scrubbing some steps and noticed a speck of dirt she missed.) Mechanikles: Speck!
	(She starts scrubbing at the speck, but it won't come out.) Mechanikles: Come on, we're behind schedule, chop chop, faster, faster, faster! Woman: But I'm working as fast as I can! (Mechanikles claps his hands, and one of the scorpions threatens the woman with its stinger.) Woman: (screams) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! (grovels at Mechanikles's feet) Mechanikles: (smugly) I love it when they grovel. Genie: (trying to hold back his anger) No problem. Everything's fine. Everything fine. Everything… No! Everything is not fine! (to Aladdin) You and I have to talk! (Genie grabs Aladdin and carries him high up into the sky. Carpet follows them.) Aladdin: Genie! What's the big idea? Genie: Al, there comes a time when a genie has to stand up and say what's right. With that in mind, you'll understand when I say: ARE YOU NUTS?! Aladdin: What're you talking about? Genie: Do I have to paint a picture for you? Okay. (paints in the air to illustrate what he's saying) Mechanikles builds evil machines. Gregarius is a machine. Mechanikles built Gregarius. Does this suggest anything to you? Aladdin: Sure it does! You're jealous!
	Genie: (growls) Give me patience. Aladdin: You're jealous because everyone likes Greg so much, 'cause he can do so many amazing things!
	Genie: (sarcastically) Oh, right! Amazing things! Like making tea. (turns his head into a teapot) I can do that. Like make his eyes spin. I can do that! (makes his eyes spin like Gregarius's) Aladdin: (acts hypnotized, then snaps out of it) Whoa… Genie: Eureka! I am struck by the supreme realization: it's the eyes! The eyes! Snap out of it, Al! (makes his eyes spin again) Gregarius is bad. Mechanikles is bad. Aladdin: (returning to normal) Ugh… Genie: Al? Aladdin: What? Ha, what was I thinking? Genie: Hey, you were mesmerized by Gregarius. Those cheap parlor tricks don't work on us magical types. (high-fives Carpet) Aladdin: Come on, Genie! Genie: Are we gonna go stomp the bad guy? Aladdin: You got it!
	Genie: (high-fiving Aladdin) Yes! Looks like I got my best friend back! (They fly back down to Earth.) (Setting: The throne room. Mechanikles is sitting on the throne, reading his to-do list.) Mechanikles: "5:15, polish throne. 5:26, scrub grout. 5:42, terrorize populace…" (Carpet, Aladdin, and Genie fly in the window.) Aladdin: It's over, Mechanikles! Mechanikles: 4:22 already? How time flies when you're a ruthless tyrant. Aladdin: Well, your time is up! Mechanikles: Tell that to my friends. (Gregarius and Jasmine enter. Jasmine is carrying a spear. Sultan, Abu, and Iago enter from a different direction. They all look angry.) Mechanikles: Oh, poor Aladdin, destroyed by his own friends. I'm going to enjoy this.
	(Aladdin starts to attack Gregarius, but Greg tries to hypnotize Aladdin.) Gregarius: Why do you come against us? Aladdin: Uh, why? (Genie creates a door between Gregarius and Aladdin, then walks through it in the form of a blonde woman.) Genie: Hello! Genie Kay! I'm here for your complimentary makeover. (looking at Gregarius's hypnotic eyes) Oh, hon, we've got to do something about those peepers. How about a little eyeshadow? (paints black paint over Gregarius's eyes) Aladdin: (returning to normal) Genie? Mechanikles: (wiping the paint away) Look at this mess! It's hard to keep anything nice around here… Gregarius: (with hypnotic eyes) Aladdin… Aladdin: I… I…
	Genie: Oh! Let's lose this accessory. (picks up Mechanikles and tosses him across the room) I know just what you need, sweetie. Something to smooth out those wrinkles. (hits Gregarius with a giant mallet; he's crushed into a hole in the floor) That ought to do it. Aladdin: Eh, this is giving me a headache!
	Jasmine: Aladdin must pay for his betrayal! (tries to spear Aladdin) Aladdin: Jasmine, no! (grabs the other end of the spear, and Jasmine is thrown across the room) Carpet! (Carpet catches Jasmine and holds her.) Jasmine: Aah! Let me go! Let me go! (Sultan starts hitting Aladdin with a small scepter, while Abu tugs at his vest.) Sultan: Vile youth! Iago: You disgust me, you know that? Aladdin: Ow! Hey, cut it out!
	Genie: Hold on, Al! (turns into a giant frog and catches Iago and Abu with his tongue, then spits them into a pot) Iago: Ew! Frog spit! (Sultan is still hitting Aladdin, but is too weak to hurt him.) Sultan: Foul, foul ruffian! Aladdin: (sighs) Genie… Genie: Got it. (Genie creates a coat rack, and Aladdin lifts Sultan up and hangs him on it by the back of his shirt.) Aladdin: Sorry, Sultan. Sultan: See here, young man! Aladdin: Mechanikles, you're through! Mechanikles: (mocking Aladdin) "Mechanikles, you're through!" Ha!
	(Behind Aladdin, Gregarius rises from the hole in the floor. He has a propeller coming out of his head and is holding several knives, swords, axes, and other weapons.) Gregarius: Young Aladdin, you have become troublesome!
	(Gregarius dives at Aladdin, who jumps out of his way. Genie tries to fight him, but is chopped into several pieces.) Genie: Oh! Gotta use one of those in the future! (puts himself back together) (Gregarius picks up Aladdin.) Aladdin: Genie, do something! Genie: (shrinks himself down) I'm on it! I'll tackle this from inside! (puts on a welder's mask and welds a tiny hole in Gregarius) Mechanikles: You little pest! (takes the tiny mechanical wasp out of his tunic, which starts chasing Genie) Genie: Yipes! (Aladdin is fighting off Gregarius with Jasmine's spear, but appears to be losing. The wasp continues chasing Genie, stinging him repeatedly on his tail.) Genie: Ouch! Watch it with that thing! You could put an eye out! Gregarius: Aladdin, resistance will only make your demise more painful. Mechanikles: Yes, my boy. Look into his eyes. Gregarius: (with hypnotic eyes) Don't struggle. It is inevitable. Aladdin: No! I won't! I—
	Genie: Al! Snap out of it! (to the wasp) Hey, wasp! (blows a raspberry, then turns into a tiny matador and stands in front of the hole he made in Gregarius) ¡Olé! (The wasp flies through the hole and is smashed to pieces.)
	Genie: ¡Muchas gracias! (goes inside Gregarius as well) Okay, time to find the central control cog. Gregarius: (hypnotizing Aladdin) There's no need to fight, Aladdin. Aladdin: Yeah. No need to fight. (Gregarius holds a spear over Aladdin's head.) Mechanikles: Now, finish him! Aladdin: You're right, Greg. What was I thinking? (Genie looks out of Gregarius and sees what's happening.) Gregarius: Don't worry, Aladdin. You won't have to think anymore.
	Genie: Al! (starts smashing gears at random) Gregarius: (starting to malfunction) I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope… I have not offended you. (breaks down completely) Mechanikles: Hey! A lot of love went into that! (All the hypnotized people return to normal.) Sultan: Huh? Oh! Oh my… Jasmine: Aladdin? Genie: Oh, what a great way to work out your aggressions! Got any more stuff I can smash? (lets Iago and Abu out of the pot) Iago: Ugh, stuck in a tiny pot with a sweaty primate. If anyone would like to see my lunch it'll be on display in about one second. Aladdin: You're through, Mechanikles! Mechanikles: Don't you get tired of saying that? I know I'm tired of hearing it… Now let's see how you fare against my exploding attack wasp! (Mechanikles takes another wasp out of his tunic, which flies toward Aladdin and Jasmine, then destroys itself with a tiny explosion, not hurting anything but itself.) Mechanikles: Well, look at the time! (runs out of the palace, down the stairs, and jumps into one of the giant scorpions) My scorpions still work! And this time I've rust-proofed them!
	Genie: (as a raincloud) Rats. Jasmine: Genie! Dump sand on them! Iago: Rip their gears out! Sultan: Perhaps very large stones? Aladdin: No. I think we should let Genie handle this his way. Go ahead. We trust you. Genie: Thanks, Al. (turns into a mechanic) Eh, all these things need is an attitude adjustment. 50 dinari an hour, plus parts. (splits into several genie mechanics) Mechanikles: Don't touch my babies! (The genie mechanics start working on the scorpions, pulling random stuff out of them and throwing it everywhere. The scorpions then all turn on Mechanikles.) Mechanikles: My own fiendish devices turned against me! I hate irony. Aaaah! (runs away) Genie: You think he's scared now, wait'll he gets my bill!
	Jasmine: Good job, Genie! Aladdin: I'm glad you learned to trust yourself and not just agree with us all the time. Genie: Who says I learned that? I did not! Aladdin: Genie, you don't have to disagree with every— Genie: Who's Genie? I'm not Genie. Aladdin: But— Genie: And another thing: I don't like the color of this palace. It clashes with my blue. And why do we always have to breathe air? Let's try something different for a change. Maybe let's breathe water. Or dirt. Something that's more— (Genie continues ranting while the others watch him, annoyed.) THE END