Caught By the Tale

Story Editors: Mark McCorkle and Robert Schooley
Written by: Mirith J.S. Colao
© Disney 1994

Transcript by Calluna

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	(Setting: the marketplace) Omar: Sugar dates! Pistachios! Ripe ban— Hey, where are my bananas? (Iago and Abu are sitting on the roof of one of the stalls, eating bananas.)
	Iago: Ah! Ya did good, monkey. (Genie appears in the form of several policemen, only a few inches high, surrounding them.) Genie: Freeze! We've got you surrounded! Drop the fruit, no one gets hurt!
	Iago: But I'm starved! See, I have this, uh, potassium deficiency. Genie: (as a judge) Nice story! Tell it to the judge! Voice: Behold! I'm an almighty genie!
	Genie: A fellow genie right here in Agrabah! Coolness! (goes off in the direction of the voice) Iago: Swell, two weirdoes in one town. (Abu runs off after Genie.)
	Iago: Woo, yeah! This other genie might actually grant wishes! (flies off after the others) (Genie, Iago, and Abu are looking into an alley where they see two children, a boy and a girl. The girl is standing in a barrel.) Girl: I am the genie of the barrel! Iago: For this I gave up a banana. Girl: I will grant you three wishes. Boy: I wish for a million more wishes! Genie: That's cheating! Girl: Says who?
	Genie: Behold! I am an almighty genie! Girl: Sure. Boy: Yeah, right.
	Genie: No, seriously. Get this: your names are... (thinking) Kaveed and Yani! Yani (girl): Wow! How'd you know? Genie: Because I have semi-phenomenal, nearly cosmic powers! And, it's sewn on these tags here. (points to something on the back of Kaveed's collar) Kaveed (boy): You're just a crafty sorcerer. Genie: Oh yeah? How do you think I got this? (points at his smoke tail; Kaveed puts his hand through it) Hunting accident? Sorcerer do this? (takes off his head) Or this? (grows so large he takes up the whole alley) Or this? (shrinks to just a few inches tall) Or this? (give himself a tail like a mermaid and dives into the ground as if it's water) Sorcerer? It is to laugh! Kaveed: Can you do more? Genie: Oh, that was nothing. You should have seen the time Aladdin and I— Yani: Aladdin?! Genie: Aladdin the hero! We're a team! We do good-guy stuff! (turns into a cowboy) Like helping the helpless! And conquering the unconquerable! And recycling the recyclable! Like the time when Aladdin's evil foe, Abis Mal, tried to steal the treasure of Fashoom! (We are shown Fashoom's floating castle from the episode "The Prophet Motive".) Abis Mal: Fashoom, blast Aladdin! I want that hero extra crispy! (Fashoom, a giant cyclops, tries to zap Aladdin with his magic eye, but Genie jumps in front of him. Abis Mal and his sidekick Haroud watch.) Haroud: The genie is sacrificing himself for his cohort Aladdin! Genie: A Genie kinda thing to do...
	Abis Mal: Ooh, that genie has it all: power, courage, and sparkling smile. Aladdin: (brandishing a sword) Prepare to face defeat, Mal! Abis Mal: Can nothing stop Aladdin and his genie? (A tiny Genie dressed as an angel appears and pushes the images out of the way.) Genie angel: Stop this! Stop this at once! Stop the violence! These are impressionable young children! Genie: Ooh, you're right... Then Al and the villain talked over their differences and rapped. Iago: Talk, smalk! I'll tell you how it really happened, and I won't spare you the grisly details. (We're shown the inside of a dungeon in Fashoom's castle. Iago kicks open the door.)
	Iago: (macho) Is there a problem here? (Aladdin and Abu are shackled to the wall.) Aladdin: At last! We're saved, Abu! Iago: Captured again, eh boys? (Abis Mal and Haroud are watching from behind a curtain.) Abis Mal: Haroud, it is the killer bird! Haroud: Indeed, sir. Your worthy nemesis, Iago, the Feathered Fury! Abis Mal: Oh, he's a magnificent figure... Fry 'im, Fashoom! (Fashoom tries to zap Iago, but he holds up a mirror and reflects the bolt back at him. There's an explosion and Fashoom falls down, on top of Abis and Haroud.) Iago: Eye for an eye, fiends. (We're now back in the alley; Kaveed and Yani are entranced by Iago's story.)
	Iago: The end. Yani: Tell us another! (gives Iago a pear) Iago: (eats the pear) Did I say "the end"? Kaveed and Yani: There's more?! Iago: Is there more fruit? (The two children nod.) Iago: There's more. (Setting: the street outside the Thieves' Guild headquarters. Abis Mal and Haroud are walking along the street. Abis Mal is carrying a scroll.)
	Abis Mal: Forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, forty-ten... Eh, uh... Where was I? Haroud: I believe you had reached forty-ten. Fifty paces, sir. Abis Mal: According to this ancient scroll, the secret stronghold of Scorpo the Undefeated is near, where we will find Scorpo the Undefeated's golden weapon. Which was apparently crucial to the whole "undefeated" aspect of his career. (They walk through a doorway into an empty square. There are scorpions painted on the walls and a large black fountain in the center.)
	Abis Mal: This is it! I have discovered— Haroud: Absolutely nothing. Abis Mal: This isn't a secret stronghold. It's just a... a big empty place! Accessible to the general public! Stupid scroll! (throws scroll to the ground) Haroud: (picking up the scroll) Perhaps my untrained eyes can glean something which eluded your keen intellect. Abis Mal: Glean away. Haroud: "Whosoever seeks..." blah blah blah blah blah... Ah! Of course! Like the lowly desert scorpion, our fierce fighter seems to have favored an underground lair. Abis Mal: Anybody could have gleaned that! (Haroud looks around the square and sees one of the paving stones has a carving of a scorpion on it.) Haroud: There! (Abis Mal runs to the stone and touches it, and it starts to slide away, revealing a hole in the floor, but trapping Abis Mal's fingers. He pulls them out, then tries to climb inside the hole, but he's too fat to fit inside it.) Abis Mal: I can fit! I'm not as big as I look! Ooh, it's this baggy caftan! Haroud: (pulling Abis Mal out) We must enlist some help. Some small help... (Setting: the alley where Genie and Iago were telling stories earlier.) Yani: Another story! Kaveed: Please, Iago! Iago: I await my muse, my inspiration. Kaveed: (holding up a bunch of grapes) We brought more treats for you... Iago: Storytime! (Genie grabs Iago and throws him out of the way.) Genie: Okay, okay! My turn, my turn! (sits cross-legged on the ground wearing Aladdin and Jasmine hand puppets) Aladdin puppet: Hello, my name is Aladdin, the streetrat turned adventure hero. Jasmine puppet: Hi! I'm Jasmine the action-oriented yet feminine princess. Genie: Once on his most special day Aladdin was very sad. His little monkey friend went away on a banana hunt. (The kids and Abu yawn and start to fall asleep.) (In the marketplace, near the alley, Abis Mal and Haroud are walking down the street.)
	Haroud: Strange. This place is usually teeming with filthy urchins. Genie: His best gal was very busy with the annual palace cotillion. (Abis Mal and Haroud hear Genie talking and look into the alley.) Abis Mal: Aladdin's genie! Let's get out of here! Haroud: Wait! Abis Mal: That stupid genie ruins all my plans! Haroud: This time I think he's helped. Genie: Surprise! Aladdin puppet: And I thought you forgot my birthday! Ha ha ha!
	(Genie grows six more arms with puppets of Aladdin's other friends on them.) Puppets: Ha ha ha! (Genie notices that the children and Abu are asleep.) Iago: Well, who can top that? Haroud: Those juveniles are small enough to fit through the hole and retrieve our treasure. Abis Mal: Put kids in jeopardy? I like it, Haroud. Iago: Let me tell you about the night I clashed with Abis Mal's bat of doom! (We are shown the inside of Fashoom's castle again. Iago is there with a giant bat.) Iago: Say your prayers, leather-wings! (Iago grabs the bat's wing, spins it around, and tosses it out of the castle. The story is over and we're back in the alley again.) Iago: And that night, justice was served with blood!
	Kaveed: Ooo! Yani: Tell it again! Genie: You don't need slimy bats and gratuitous violence. A story can be wholesome and entertaining. And teach a little lesson, too. (walks away) Iago: Good luck finding an audience. Tomorrow I'll tell you the story of the mad vizier and me. I came this close to ruling this burg. I— (Abu gets angry at Iago and starts to attack him, and he chases Iago out of the alley. Kaveed and Yani laugh at them. Abis Mal and Haroud approach them.) Haroud: Hello, children. Yani: We should go, Kaveed. Abis Mal: 'Kay. We'll find some other kids who wanna hear about Aladdin's greatest adventure. Kaveed: What adventure?! What?! Abis Mal: Uh, um, yes, well... It all started at the hideout of the fearsome, famous antihero Abis Mal... (We are shown the inside of Abis Mal's hideout. A rope drops from the ceiling, and Aladdin starts to climb down it.) Abis Mal: (dismissively) ...and, uh, Aladdin, with that lush hair of his. Uh, wait! No hair!
	(Some of "Aladdin"'s hair suddenly disappears.) Abis Mal: He was completely bald! The strong young hero... No no no, wait wait! Not strong, weak!
	(Aladdin is having a hard time holding himself up.) Abis Mal: Aladdin could barely climb, because his belly was so big! (Aladdin suddenly becomes extremely fat and falls to the ground. A tall, muscular version of Abis Mal stands over him.) Abis Mal: (narrating) Aladdin and his archnemesis came face to face! Well, eh, sort-of, uh, actually Aladdin had to look up, because Abis Mal was so tall. (The Abis Mal from the story grows even taller.) Abis Mal: (in story) I'll give you a sporting chance, my ineffectual foe. Ha ha! ("Abis Mal" throws a sword to "Aladdin", who can barely lift it. He manages to pick it up and charges at Abis, who picks him up, spins him around, and throws him. A beautiful woman appears out of nowhere and runs to Abis Mal and hugs him.) Woman: Oh, Abis Mal! You're so strong! Kaveed: No way! (We're shown the alley again.)
	Kaveed: Aladdin never loses! Yani: Especially to a hummus-head like Abis Mal! Abis Mal: Hummus-head? I'll show you! Haroud: You're very correct. Aladdin would be hunting for treasure. Kaveed: Yeah, that's what he would do. Haroud: How would you like to go on a treasure hunt, just like Aladdin? Abis Mal: Okay! Haroud: Not you, sir. Them.
	Abis Mal: Oh, right. You like tight spaces, kids? (Setting: the Marketplace. Iago is eating grapes, and Abu is sitting next to him, still angry.) Iago: You want food? Break into the entertainment biz, like me.
	(Abu steals the grapes from Iago and eats them.) Iago: Hey! (They see Abis Mal, Haroud, and the two children walk past.) Iago: Abis Mal! The kids! (Abu and Iago follow them.) (Setting: the entrance to Scorpo the Undefeated's lair. Abis, Haroud, and the kids are looking inside.) Kaveed: The treasure is down there? Haroud: That's right!
	Yani: (suspiciously) What kind of treasure? Abis Mal: Actually, we have no idea exactly what it is, but it's some kind of a weapon— Haroud: (covering Abis Mal's mouth) Did we mention the item is golden? Yani: This is a bad idea. Forget it! Haroud: Alas. Few are as brave as Aladdin. (lowers a rope down into the hole) Kaveed: I'm brave! (starts climbing down the rope) Yani: Kaveed, wait! (climbs after him) (Iago and Abu have just come to the entrance to the square.) Iago: I see two bad guys. No kids. If anything happens to those kids... I won't get anymore freebies. (Abu chatters angrily at Iago.) Iago: I'm just hiding my true compassion behind a facade of selfishness! Really!
	(Kaveed and Yani have reached the floor of the underground chamber.) Abis Mal: How goes it, little treasure hunters? Kaveed: I see it!
	(Kaveed runs over to a pedestal where there is a golden helm shaped like a scorpion, picks it up, and runs back to the rope. The pedestal lowers and a portcullis behind it starts to raise.) Kaveed: I found the treasure! I'm an adventurer just like Aladdin! Yani: Hurry, let's get outta here. Kaveed: (shouting) We have the treasure! Abis Mal: Oh, Aladdin would be so proud! Haroud: Now be good little adventurers and tie it to the rope! (Yani ties the helm to the rope and the two men start to pull it up.) Abis Mal: Thanks, kids! (picks up the helm) Now I, Abis Mal, have the secret weapon of Scorpo the Undefeated! Kaveed and Yani: Abis Mal! Abis Mal: Those Aladdin stories have rotted your brains! You kids have been rooting for the wrong guy! (laughs and throws the rope down into the chamber below)
	(Kaveed and Yani huddle together, frightened. Behind them, where the portcullis was earlier, are six sets of glowing eyes. Abis Mal and Haroud run off with the weapon; once they're gone Abu and Iago run up to the chamber entrance.) Iago: I'll fly us down to the kids. (picks up Abu with his talons) You feel lighter. You been eating okay?
	(Kaveed and Yani look up and see Iago and Abu's silhouette, but from their angle they look like a giant bat.) Kaveed and Yani: The Bat of Doom!
	Kaveed: Abis Mal sent it to attack us! But I'm going to attack it first! (As Iago and Abu reach the floor, Kaveed tackles them. He misses Abu, but lands on top of Iago.) Kaveed: Iago? I thought you were the Bat of Doom. Iago: Bat of Doom?! That was just a story! You— (Abu starts chattering at Iago angrily.) Iago: My story was not too scary! (tries to point at Abu, but something in his wing makes a cracking sound. His wing looks twisted.) Ow! Look at this! This is pretty! Kaveed: I'm sorry. Iago: (sighs) All right, all right. I'll fly up and get some help. (Iago tries to fly out, but his his wing is too damaged and he just falls back down again.) Iago: Oh, great, I'm busted. Yani: (sighs) We're trapped.
	Iago: Trapped?! Yani: Shh! Listen... (They hear a rustling sound coming from the room behind where the pedestal was and start to back away. Giant scorpions come out of doorway and start heading towards them.) Yani: (calmly) Don't worry, Kaveed. Iago conquered the Bat of Doom. He'll protect us. Kaveed: Iago, I'm scared. Iago: You're scared? I'm gonna have a heart attack! Yani: But heroes can't be scared. Can they? (They're now backed up all the way to the wall on the opposite side of the chamber.) Iago: Oh, yes. Sometimes a hero can be so scared that he, uh— Kaveed: What?! Iago: I forget!
	(Yani looks behind her and sees a pillar.) Yani: Climb, Kaveed! (Kaveed and Yani climb to the top of the pillar, out of the reach of the scorpions. Iago is still frozen with fear, so Abu pulls him up to the top with him.) (Setting: inside the Skull and Dagger, headquarters of the Thieves' Guild.) Haroud: It's just a hat. Abis Mal: Haroud, it's not just any hat. This is the hat of a man who was undefeated! (takes off his own hat and puts on the golden helm) And it's shiny and everything! (jumps up on top of the table) Friends! Colleagues! Criminally inclined! Bow down, for I shall now rule you all! (The place is empty, except for a waiter and a big, stupid thief called Akbar.) Waiter: Sorry, Mal. Slow day. Abis Mal: Ooh, rats. Akbar: Akbar want shiny hat! Abis Mal: Get away! It's my hat! Akbar: (advancing on Abis) Akbar want shiny hat now! (As Abis Mal stands there cowering, a bolt of magic shoots out of the helm's scorpion tail, freezing Akbar.) Abis Mal: I'm... I'm alive! And you, you're... frozen! (in a sing-song voice) Akbar the mighty is out of action! Waiter: You just can't go around freezing my customers like that! Who do— (Abis freezes the waiter.) Abis Mal: Did you see that, Haroud?! Pretty snazzy, eh? (thinking) Now, what to do? What to do? Haroud: The throne, sir? Abis Mal: I'm not following you. Haroud: The throne of Agrabah. Abis Mal: Yes? Yes? Haroud: ...could be yours. Abis Mal: Right! My longtime villainous goal!
	(Setting: Scorpo the Undefeated's lair) Iago: Maybe this isn't as bad as it looks. Kaveed: No more stupid lies! (Abu chatters angrily at Iago.) Iago: (angrily) Okay, I lied. It's Aladdin. He's the hero. He has the guts. He has the bright ideas. (sadly) He's the one who never gives up.
	Yani: If Aladdin doesn't give up, then we won't give up. Kaveed: But Yani, how do we stop the scorpions? Yani: We don't have to stop them. We just have to escape them.
	Iago: This kid's soundin' more like Aladdin by the minute. Which means a cockamamie plan should be forthcoming. Yani: We'll go out the way the scorpions came in. Follow me! (There is a line of pillars leading back toward the gate where the scorpions entered the chamber. Yani starts jumping from one pillar to another, and the others follow her. Iago grabs on to Abu's tail, since he still can't fly. As Abu jumps to another pillar, the scorpions almost get Iago.) Iago: Aah, keep me up! I've had enough damage for one day! Yani: Jump! (Now that they've reached the pillar closest to the gate, they jump down to the ground and run through it.) Yani: Hurry! (Kaveed is the last one to reach the gate. He picks up a sword lying on the ground and cuts a rope holding up the portcullis. He dives underneath it just before it hits the ground, trapping the scorpions on the other side. The four of them are now in a long underground tunnel.) Kaveed: I'll find a way out. Come on! Iago: Not that I didn't have moments of heroism... (runs into a spiderweb) Ow! A spiderweb in my face! Get it off! I'm creeping out here! (Setting: the alley. Genie is still playing with his sock puppets.) Genie: Where is everyone? We were going to do the story of Aladdin's mischievous pet dinosaur today. (Setting: the underground tunnel)
	Iago: Well, now what?! Kaveed: I feel a draft! Come on! (They enter a side chamber. There's a semi-transparent skylight in the roof of the chamber, and the sounds of the marketplace can be heard.) Iago: Oh, this is lovely. Kaveed: All right! Yani: Let's go! (They start climbing pillars up towards the roof of the chamber, where they try to push the skylight open. In the marketplace, a man is lying on a bed of nails above the skylight. When they finally manage to get it open they flip the bed of nails over on top of the man, who screams.) Iago: The marketplace! We're free! Genie: There you are! Iago: Out of the frying pan and into the fire. (Genie runs up to them, still wearing his sock puppets.) Genie: Storytime! Where have you been? Yani: Abis Mal trapped us!
	Kaveed: There were these giant scorpions, and then they— Genie: Oh, my story is much better than that. Kaveed & Yani: It's not a story! Yani: Abis Mal tricked us into getting him this golden hat-thing! Kaveed: Yeah, it belonged to some undefeated guy. Genie: What could he do with a hat? (Setting: the throne room entrance to the palace. Abis Mal freezes the two guards standing outside and runs into the throne room.) Abis Mal: Move over, Sultan! You're in my seat! (Setting: the marketplace) Genie: We'd better get to the palace and warn Al, just in case. (to Abu) Feeling fleet of foot, my friend?
	(Genie turns Abu into a two-humped camel, and the others climb up onto his back. The kids are on the front hump, Genie at the back, and Iago holds on to the tail.) Genie: Hmm, need an extra seat. (creates a third hump, which Kaveed takes) That's better! Iago: Hey, we're not setting any new land speed records here! Genie: Nothing that roller skates and rocket boosters won't fix. (Zaps roller skates onto Abu's feet and gives him two rocket boosters. They race through the marketplace in a matter of seconds and crash through the palace's front gates. A few moments later, they're hiding behind a column, looking into the throne room.) Sultan: What a— (Abis freezes him.) Abis Mal: You're witnessing history, Haroud. (pushes the frozen Sultan to the ground) Agrabah is about to get a new ruler! Me! Genie: (whispers) There'll be no Sultan-tipping in my town! (Abis Mal jumps onto the throne and laughs.)
	Yani: We should help him! Iago: Oh, no. Genie can handle it. Genie: Sock puppets, you're on! (Genie takes four of the Sock puppets, Aladdin, Jasmine, Genie, and the dinosaur, and enlarges them, making them taller than a person. They hop towards Abis Mal and Haroud.) Abis Mal: Haroud, it's the good guys! (freezes them) Ha ha! I've done it! Haroud: Except they appear to be giant sock puppets. Abis Mal: I thought the princess looked a little wooly. Genie: So, you fell for my diversion, eh Mal? Ha! You should have seen yourself chasing after my socks. What a dupe! What a stooge! What a— (Abis Mal freezes Genie.) Iago: Genie can usually handle it...
	Yani: What happens when he can't? Iago: Eh, usually that's where Aladdin comes in and says something like... Aladdin: Your reign is over, Abis Mal!
	Iago: Huh, I'm confused. Am I tellin' another story? Abu: Yeah! (Abu points to one of the windows where Aladdin is standing, holding a sword and the end of a rope. He swings down and lands in front of Abis Mal.) Aladdin: You'd better call off the coronation, Mal. Kaveed: He's so brave! Yani: He's so cute! Abis Mal: Oh uh, by the way, Aladdin, I have a new name: Abis the Undefeated! (Abis starts shooting frost bolts at Aladdin, who dodges.)
	Abis Mal: Hey! No! You weren't supposed to dodge! Dodging is out! Haroud: I'll just await your victory from a safe distance. (runs back to hide behind the throne) (Abis chases Aladdin around the giant sock puppets, trying to freeze him. When he's not looking, Aladdin pushes the dinosaur puppet over on top of him.) Abis Mal: Aah! Oh, big sock. Right. (pushes it away) Hold still, you lowly... uh... uh, um... Haroud: (leaning out from behind the throne) Rakish knave, sir! (Aladdin runs in front of Haroud and starts taunting Abis Mal.) Abis Mal: Yes! Take that, rakish knave! Haroud: Wait!
	(Abis tries to freeze Aladdin, but he moves just in time and the bolt freezes Haroud instead.) Abis Mal: Haroud! (runs up to him) (Aladdin pushes the frozen Haroud over on top of Abis Mal.)
	Abis Mal: Haroud! Get off! (Kaveed starts to laugh. Yani covers his mouth, but it's too late.) Abis Mal: Oh, you think it's funny, do you? Well you're next!
	Iago: (whispering) Innocent bystanders are supposed to sit tight and clam up. (Abis Mal tries to freeze the kids, but they duck behind the pillar.) Kaveed: I'm no bystander! I'm a hero like Aladdin! (runs into the throne room)
	Yani: Kaveed, wait! (Kaveed head-butts Abis Mal in the stomach but doesn't hurt him. Abis grabs him and lifts him up by his belt.) Abis Mal: Prepare to be stung, you little Aladdin booster! Aladdin: Drop him, Abis Mal! (While Abis isn't looking, Kaveed slips out of his belt and escapes.) Aladdin: I've got a genie and I'm not afraid to use him. (Aladdin pulls the belt off of the frozen Genie so quickly that he starts to spin around, towards Abis Mal.) Abis Mal: I can't freeze him! He's already frozen! (Genie's arm knocks the helm off of Abis Mal's head) My hat! (Abis runs and dives towards where the helm fell, but when he reaches it Aladdin is there and is standing over him with his sword.) Abis Mal: No! (Aladdin raises his sword, and it looks as if he's going to behead Abis Mal, but instead he chops the tail off the scorpion on Scorpo the Undefeated's helm. Genie unfreezes.) Genie: Hey, I'm thawed!
	Haroud: (thaws, then looks around) Oh, my! However did I get in the palace?! I'll let myself out. (runs away) Aladdin: Face it, Mal. This is the end. Abis Mal: (running away) This story's not over! (Abis Mal tries to escape, but the guards thaw just in time to capture him.) Abis Mal: ...yet. (Setting: later that day, at Aladdin's hovel. Aladdin, Genie, Iago, Abu, and the two kids are sitting around a table.) Genie: And now, just desserts. (Genie creates a giant banana split which covers the entire table. Abu starts shoveling food into his mouth, but the children are staring at Aladdin.) Aladdin: (whispering to Genie) Do I have food on my vest or something? Kaveed: He never ate in the stories!
	Yani: Shh! Aladdin: Guys, what exactly did you tell them in these stories? Kaveed: You were the best hero ever!
	Yani: The best! And taller! Kaveed: Gigantic! Yani: (dreamily) Yeah, gigantic...
	Aladdin: Doing stuff like escaping from killer scorpions and helping to save Agrabah? Kaveed & Yani: Yeah, like that! Aladdin: Like you. Anybody can be a hero.
	Iago: The key is how you tell it to your friends when you get home. You gotta spice it up, dramatize, embellish! Genie: Haven't you learned anything? Iago: ...then, hit 'em with the message, like in your case, I think "don't talk to strangers" would be apropos! THE END